


'tis the damn season

by big_wet_cas_eyes



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ex-Boyfriends, Exes, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:09:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28180692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/big_wet_cas_eyes/pseuds/big_wet_cas_eyes
Summary: The last person Castiel Novak wants to run into when he comes back to Lawrence for the first time in 9 years is Dean Winchester.When Dean Winchester spots Castiel Novak from across the bar, he feels like a heartbroken teenager all over again.Maybe they can pretend they never hurt each other, just for the weekend.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 36
Kudos: 81





	1. the road not taken looks real good now

**Author's Note:**

> I'll be posting a new chapter each day, with the last chapter going up on Christmas Eve. 
> 
> The entirety of this fic was inspired by "'tis the damn season" by Taylor Swift.

Castiel Novak hadn't come to Lawrence in years. He hadn't meant to stay away so long; that's just how it happened. He and his older brother, Michael, both lived in LA now and their parents always just came to them for holidays, citing wanting some warm weather as the reason. But now Michael was engaged to Anna, and Anna wanted to see Michael's hometown and childhood home. So they were trading their Christmas in California for Christmas in Kansas. 

Castiel had never actually been to the Roadhouse before, but Michael insisted that they spend their first night in town at his favorite bar. The bar was packed with people returning home for the holidays, but Michael, Castiel, and Anna managed to find a booth in the back corner. They drank and laughed and talked about growing up there. Anna was hanging onto every word of the stories they told, looking at Michael like he was the only thing in the world that mattered. Castiel was happy for them, but by the time they all finished their third drink, Michael and Anna were sitting a little too close together for Castiel to want to stick around. He went over to the bar and found a seat, ordering himself another drink. He looked around the Roadhouse, feeling strange that it was the first time he'd ever been, considering it was only ten minutes away from his parents' house. But he never spent much time in this town as an adult, so it wasn't surprising that he was never a regular at bar that centered their little neighborhood at the edge of town.

Castiel had moved to LA right after high school. He'd sent off the application to the University of Southern California without actually expecting to get in, figuring he'd end up at University of Kansas like most people he knew. But then he did get in and he couldn't bring himself to turn it down. So he left. He came home a handful of times during his freshman year, but by the time he was a sophomore, he couldn't bear the thought of leaving his expensive downtown LA apartment empty for any length of time. So he stayed. 

The same thing that made it hard for him to leave in the first place made it hard for him to come back. And that thing was Dean Winchester. Castiel met Dean when they were just five years old on the first day of kindergarten. They were immediately inseparable. They were best friends through elementary school, through middle school. When they were 12, Castiel came out to Dean before he came out to anyone else. He didn't tell Dean then that he was in love with him. He didn't expect Dean to reciprocate, even when they were children, so he kept it to himself. When they were 15, Dean told him that he was bi and then told him that he was in love with him. They went from best friends to boyfriends. Then high school was over and Castiel left.

He had hurt Dean when he left. They had plans and Castiel decided to leave anyway. Castiel tried not to think about that much anymore, didn't want to think about the choice he'd made 9 years ago. And he hadn't seen Dean since.

Until now. 

Castiel's eyes popped wide in surprise as his thoughts were pulled forcibly back to reality. He heard him before he saw him. The voice was deeper than it had been when they were 18, but it was unmistakably Dean asking the bartender for a whiskey. Castiel looked over to the end of the bar where the voice came from and nearly dropped the drink in his hand. 

Dean was standing there, leaning against the bar and grinning at the bartender. Castiel was openly staring at this point, physically unable to look away from the man. He was older, but still beautiful. Still Dean Winchester. His flannel shirt was clinging to muscles that weren't there when they were in high school, and his hair was longer, but this was his Dean. The thought stung. He wasn't his anything anymore. But the green eyes were the same green eyes Castiel had fallen in love with, and he hadn't realized that those green eyes were looking right back at him until it was too late to avert his gaze. 

Dean was staring at him, the smile wiped from both his eyes and his mouth. Dean broke the eye contact when the bartender came back with his drink, and he turned to thank her. But then his eyes were back on Castiel and he was walking toward him.

_Run,_ Castiel screamed internally at himself. _Leave now. You can't do this._ But by the time he picked his drink back up to go hide, Dean was there. Right in front of him

"Cas," Dean said slowly. "I didn't expect to see you here."

Castiel shifted uncomfortably. Dean was the only one to ever call him Cas, so he hadn't heard the nickname in a long time. He took a deep breath before looking up and meeting Dean's gaze again. "Hello, Dean."

"What are you doing here?" he asked, not breaking eye contact. The intensity of the look made Castiel nervous.

"I'm here with Michael and his fiancée. They're over there," Castiel pointed over to the corner booth where Michael and Anna were wrapped around each other. Dean followed Castiel's finger with his eyes.

"I can see why you're alone at the bar now," Dean said, turning back to Castiel. "But I meant, what are you doing in Lawrence?"

"My parents still live here, Dean," he said, not intending the icy tone that came out. "I came for Christmas."

Dean winced slightly at tone, but recovered quickly. "You never come here for Christmas."

"How would you know that?" Cas asked, not sure if it came out as more suspicious or confused.

Dean gave a small shrug. "Our moms run into each other at the grocery store sometimes. They talk. My mom tells me about it because she still thinks I care about—" He snapped his mouth shut and looked down into his drink. 

"Yes, well, Michael's fiancée wanted to see Lawrence, so we all came home this year." His tone was clipped.

"Oh." Dean still wasn't looking at him. He took a sip of his drink before speaking again. "Well, uh, I'm here with Benny. And Charlie. I don't know if you remember them. I should probably get back to them." He glanced over his shoulder, probably to where his friends were waiting for him.

"Sure, okay," Castiel said, lifting his own drink back to his mouth and taking a sip. "Goodbye, Dean."

"Yeah, uh, bye Cas," he said, eyes darting back to the end of the bar. He rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand, looking like he was trying to make a decision. Castiel looked at him, eyebrow raised. "Do you, uh, want to catch up, Cas? We could grab coffee tomorrow or something." 

"I'm not sure if that's a good idea, Dean," Castiel said coldly. 

"Yeah, sure, you're probably right," Dean said quickly. "I just thought that maybe it would be nice. We've known each other for almost twenty years, and I wanted to see how things were going for you."  
"Why don't you just ask your mom to ask my mom?" he said icily. But he caught himself and let himself consider it for a moment. He realized he really did want to spend time with Dean. He sighed. "Okay, yes, let's get coffee tomorrow."

Dean's jaw dropped slightly and his eyes widened. "Really? Okay, yeah, great." He pulled out his phone. "Okay, well our old coffeeshop is still there… we could meet there around 1?" he asked, sounding unsure. 

"Yes, that sounds good," Castiel said, trying not to think about the many hours they'd spent in that coffeeshop holding hands across the table. He tried not to think about how that was the place where everything fell apart. 

"Great!" he says. He taps on his phone a few times. "Can I get your number? Just in case something comes up."

"My number hasn't changed."

"Oh, um, well I… I don't have it anymore." Dean was looking down at the screen, a blush forming on his cheeks.

"Oh," Castiel said, feeling embarrassed. Of course Dean deleted his number; it had been nine years. He pulled the phone out of Dean's hands and filled in the new contact form Dean had pulled up. He typed in _Castiel Novak_ and his phone number. He stared at it for a moment before correcting the name to _Cas Novak_. 

He handed the phone back to Dean and their hands brushed. Castiel felt the electricity immediately and gulped. There was a distinct possibility that he was still in love with Dean Winchester.

——

Dean hadn't seen Cas Novak in nine years and had trained himself to not think about him. But then Benny had suggested they go meet up with Charlie at the Roadhouse, and Dean didn't really want to but he agreed anyway. And then he was standing at the bar and he could just feel someone looking at him. And then he looked up and saw the deep blue eyes that he'd fallen in love with. Cas had been looking at him with such intensity that Dean felt like he was staring into his soul. And Dean couldn't stop himself from walking over to him. Saying hi. Asking him to catch up. 

God. Why had he asked him to catch up? Cas left him and never looked back and Dean had spent _years_ putting himself back together again. But then Cas said they could catch up and Dean walked back to Benny and Charlie in a daze. 

"You look like you've seen a ghost, brother," Benny said. "What took you so long?"

Dean took in a deep breath. "Cas is here."

"Cas? _Castiel_ _Novak_?!" Charlie nearly screamed, slapping Dean's arm in surprise. He leveled her with a glare when it made some of his drink slosh out of the glass. 

"Shut up, Charlie. He's right over there." He nodded his head slightly in the direction of where Cas was sitting with his brother and a pretty redheaded woman. Charlie and Benny both looked over, and they were not being subtle about it. Dean groaned. 

Benny patted him on the back. "It looks like he's leavin', so I think you're okay. Let's find you somewhere to sit down."

"Yeah, you look terrible," Charlie agreed. Her face had switched to panic. "He didn't say anything to you, did he?"

Dean slid into the booth of the table Benny led him to, Benny and Charlie settling in across from him. "Uh, about that…," Dean trailed off. "I went over to talk to him."

Charlie's eyes went wide. "You didn't!"

"Dean…" Benny shook his head.

"He was sort of being a dick… but he said yes when I asked him to get coffee and catch up." Dean felt like curling into a ball. When he saw Cas, he immediately felt like a heartbroken 18-year-old all over again. And the only thing he had wanted as a heartbroken teenager was Cas. His heart took over and asked Cas to catch up before his brain could tell him no. 

Charlie's eyes looked sad. "Dean… do you think that's the best idea?"

"It'll be fine," Dean said unconvincingly. "That's enough about me now. Charlie, tell us about your new girlfriend."

Charlie and Benny exchanged a look, but moved the conversation forward. 

——

Dean couldn't sleep. He was staring at the ceiling for hours, alcohol still swirling in his brain. He grabbed his phone off the nightstand to check the time. Four in the morning. He flipped angrily onto his side. 

Why did Cas come back? He never came back. 

Dean was replaying the moment when everything ended in his head over and over again, a memory he had pushed deep down that came bursting out the second he saw those blue eyes again. Cas had shown up at their coffeeshop looking scared, but changed his expression to something more neutral when he saw Dean. He had a large envelope in his hands, which he placed in front of Dean when he sat down. He told Dean that he got into USC; the acceptance letter was in the envelope. Dean hadn't even known he was applying. That was when Dean felt like his world started falling apart. He asked if he was going, and Cas said he wasn't sure, but he was thinking about it. He asked Dean what he thought he should do. If Cas didn't know what to do, it meant Dean wasn't important enough to stick around for. So Dean told him to go. Cas agreed and said that he would go. 

Maybe things would've ended differently for them if Dean hadn't reacted the way he did. But then Dean told Cas to get out, letting the sadness come out as anger. Cas got up and walked out the door, and Dean didn't follow him out. He stayed in the coffeeshop fighting back tears for the rest of the night.

They avoided each other at school for the rest of the year, and then after graduation, that was it. Dean Winchester never saw Castiel Novak again. Until tonight. 

And he was going to see him again in less than twelve hours. Dean groaned and flipped to his other side. Why the fuck was he doing this to himself?


	2. we could call it even

Castiel pulled his car into the parking lot between the church and his old high school. His eyes scanned the lot and spotted Dean's car in the back corner. Of course he still drove the Impala. Castiel didn't know why expected anything else. He tried not to notice that Dean was parked under the big tree and the broken streetlight in the back corner of the lot where they used to park when they needed some privacy. A lot of Castiel's firsts happened in that parking spot. But he wasn't thinking about that.

He had spent years building up walls in his head around his memories of Dean. He tried so hard to shroud them in anger instead of longing and heartbreak to help himself get by. It was exactly why he didn't want to come today, why he said no in the first place. But then the wall in his head came crumbling down, and his heart said yes. 

He wasn't sure how he was going to bear hearing about Dean's life. He didn't want to know if he ruined any of his plans when he hurt Dean. He didn't want to know if Dean's life was better without him in it. He just… wanted Dean. Wanted to be near him. Exist with him like they had when they were teenagers. When they were in love. He wondered if that was even possible for them.

He parked his car and walked the short distance to the coffeeshop. He pushed open the door and felt like he was stepping into the past. The shop looked exactly the same, right down to Dean Winchester looking up at him from their table. Right where he'd been sitting on that day when it all ended. 

"Hello, Dean. I'm just going to…" he gestured toward the register. 

"I got you your regular," Dean said sheepishly. "Uh, assuming honey vanilla lattes are still okay." He looked tired. Castiel hoped that didn't have anything to do with that.

Castiel smiled. "Thank you." He sat down across from Dean, who pushed a steaming mug over to him. 

"I'm glad you came," Dean said. "I was surprised you said yes."

"I was surprised too," Castiel said. He took a sip of his coffee, which tasted exactly like he remembered. A taste that was attached to good memories.

"Well, uh, how are you? How has life been?" Dean asked.

This was it. Exactly what Castiel did not want to talk about. "We don't have to do this, Dean," Castiel said with a sigh.

Dean's brow furrowed in confusion. "Why are you here then?"

"I'm not sure," Castiel started. "But I'm not entirely sure I need a recap of how your life has gone. I can't imagine you actually want to hear about mine." His chest ached. Maybe he should just answer. Tell Dean about the mess his life was and how he regretted leaving. But he didn't.

"I don't understand," Dean said, anger creeping into his voice. "You didn't have to come. You could've said no."

"We hurt each other, Dean. Do you really want to spend this time with small talk about what we've been doing for nine years?" Cas asked with his hands rubbing his temples like he had a headache. 

"So what do you want to talk about?" His angry expression was fading back into confusion.

Then, an idea crossed Castiel's mind. A stupid idea, but as with all his stupid ideas, his mouth was speaking the words before he could tell himself not to. "Can we just act like nothing ever happened? Just pretend that things are… what they were." He didn't know exactly what he intended when he said it or what pretending entailed. The words were out before he could consider what they actually meant, but he let them hang there in the air. If they could pretend things were like they used to be… Castiel thought he could handle that. 

"You want to pretend we're together again." It wasn't a question, but the confusion was still plain in Dean's expression. 

"Not like we're together exactly, but… I miss you, Dean. I miss your smile. I miss driving around with you. I miss you being my best friend," Castiel let out in a rush. "We could just… do that again. Be us. For the weekend. If that's okay with you. Because I think it's okay with me." 

Dean was silent for a long time. "Okay," he finally whispered, reaching his hand out and grabbing Castiel's. Looking down at their hands held across the table, Castiel smiled. He missed this. Castiel looked up and their eyes met. There was an emotion swirling in Dean's eyes that he couldn't identify. Probably the same mix of happiness and pain that Castiel was feeling. 

——

Dean couldn't breathe. Because he was holding someone's hand. But not just anyone's hand. He was holding _Cas's_ hand. 

It felt good. He'd missed Cas. He had his fair share of relationships in the last nine years, but nobody ever measured up. And now Cas was there and said that they could go back to how things were, and that was more than Dean could ever ask for. Pretending things were okay… sounded perfect. Even if it was just for a few days.

Dean looked up from their hands into the gentle smile on Cas's face. He had missed that smile. 

"Are questions about Michael allowed?" Dean asked. Cas laughed at that, the kind of laugh that you could see in his eyes. Dean's heart flipped over in his chest. He missed that laugh too. The sound was exactly the same, and the look in his eyes changed slightly by the new lines around his eyes. 

"Yes, Dean. You can ask about Michael."

"Tell me about the redhead," he said. He was already feeling more relaxed without the pressure of having to talk about what his life had turned into. 

"Her name is Anna. I introduced them actually. She's a friend from college and when Michael moved to LA a few years back, I thought they would get along." Cas smiled fondly. "Clearly I was right. The wedding is next summer."

"That's nice. I always liked Michael," Dean said. "Sammy is engaged too. Her name is Eileen. He's actually out of town with her family right now. I'm sure he would've liked to see you."

"That's a shame, I would have liked to see him as well," Cas said. After a beat he asked, "Is he happy?"

Dean chuckled. "Yeah, he's happy. Our parents like her, and she's good for him. Calls him out on his crap, keeps him grounded."

Another fond smile. "I'm glad."

They stayed like that, chatting easily about their families and their brothers' fiancées for an hour. Not bringing up the past, not talking about what they did after their breakup. Dean was grateful that he didn't have to go into detail about what he'd done after Cas left. The hole in his chest that opened up after seeing Cas's face last night didn't ache as much now. It really did feel like just another coffeeshop date with his boyfriend. 

He couldn't bring himself to think about how much it would hurt when Cas left this time.

——

"Come for a drive with me."

They were in the parking lot now, walking toward their cars. Castiel wasn't sure when it happened, but their hands were clasped again. 

"Where to?" Castiel asked.

"You said you missed driving around. Let's just drive." Castiel looked at him and nodded, and they walked in the direction of the Impala. 

Sitting in the Impala, it was difficult for Castiel to avoid the thoughts of all of the things they had done in this parking lot. The things they'd done in the front seat, the things they'd done in the back seat, the thing they'd done on the hood of the car that one time. Castiel blushed at the thought. He still wasn't sure exactly what he meant when he told Dean that they should pretend things were how they were, but the thought of that including any of those things that just came to mind sent a shiver down his spine 

Dean backed out of the spot and pulled the car onto the street, and looked over at Castiel with a lazy smile on his face. He placed his hand on the seat between them, open and waiting. Castiel placed his hand in Dean's. He stared out the window, not needing to look at Dean because he could feel his warmth in his hand. This felt right.

He always regretted leaving Dean, but he didn't think he had much of a choice at the time. And he's not sure what he would have done differently, because he couldn't imagine his life being completely different from what it was now. There was always something that was missing in his life, and sitting here with Dean made it entirely clear what that was. 

Eventually, Castiel brought his attention back to Dean, turning to watch Dean's face as he drove. Dean looked back at him, met his gaze, and smiled brightly. Dean's smile always made Castiel weak in the knees. That still hadn't changed. Dean turned the stereo up and sang along loudly. He pulled Castiel's hand up to his mouth and sang into it like a microphone. Castiel giggled, feeling like a lovestruck teenager again. He felt lighter than he had in years. 

Castiel wasn't sure how long they'd been driving, but before he knew it Dean was pulling the Impala to the curb in front of his parents' house. He didn't know why, but the thought that Dean remembered where his parents lived made his heart skip a beat.

"Cas," Dean said, grasping Castiel's hand again. "This was nice. Will I see you again before you go?" 

"I said we could do this for the weekend, didn't I?" Castiel said with a smile.

"When do you leave?" Dean asked quietly.

"Monday morning," Castiel answered softly. "But we don't really have any firm family plans other than Christmas tomorrow." Castiel frowned slightly, eyes downcast, realizing it was already Thursday. 

"Okay," Dean said. Castiel looked back up, only to discover that Dean had slid across the seat. His thigh was only an inch from Castiel's and he could feel the heat radiating off of him. He looked at Dean's face just in time to his green eyes glance down to his lips. He swallowed. Dean reached up and cupped Castiel's cheek in his hand. 

Castiel thought his heart was going to stop when Dean leaned in and pressed their lips together. It was gentle and tentative, like Dean wasn't sure if it was allowed. Castiel melted into him and reached up, threading his hand in the back of Dean's hair. He placed his other hand on top of Dean's hand, the one that was now resting on his thigh. It could've been seconds or minutes, but eventually they broke apart.

Dean smiled softly, and then leaned in and kissed Castiel on the nose. "Bye, Cas. I'll see you soon." 


	3. the only soul who can tell which smiles I'm faking

It didn't really register to Dean that he was driving home until he pulled into his parking spot at his apartment. He blinked a few times, trying to get his bearings. Kissing Cas was probably a stupid idea, but… 

It felt great. It felt right. It felt like everything was falling into place. 

Except nothing was falling into place. In three days, Cas would leave him for LA. Again. But here he was, letting himself fall for Cas all over again. And he couldn't really bring himself to care that he was going to get hurt again. 

He pulled out his phone and sent off a text message. 

**4:43 PM December 24**

**Thanks for today babe.**

He hadn't thought before he pressed send. It had only been a few hours, but he fell so easily into the comfort of being with Cas, of pretending nothing had changed. He cursed at himself before sending off a followup.

**4:45 PM December 24**

**Shit, sorry. I meant to say Cas.**

**4:45 PM December 24**

**It just slipped out.**

_4:46 PM December 24_

_I'm yours until Monday. You can call me whatever you want._

Dean's heart nearly leapt out of his chest. Yeah, this was going to hurt like a bitch. And he was going to love every second of it. 

——

Christmas morning passed without anything interesting happening. Castiel enjoyed the time with his family, but was feeling restless and like he needed to get out of the house. He retired to the basement and laid down on the couch that was his bed for the next few days. 

He was still reeling from the kiss yesterday. He hadn't been expecting that when he suggested they pretend things were like they used to be. He genuinely just didn't want to hear anything that would remind him of the hurt he felt when Dean told him to go. But when Dean pressed his lips against Castiel's, it sent shivers down his spine and he remembered what it felt like when they were younger. He stayed there in the basement, thinking about the kiss, imagining what would have happened if Dean hadn't seemed so uncertain if it was okay. After a while, his phone buzzed and he jumped. He hoped it was Dean, but didn't open it for a few minutes to stave off the disappointment in case it wasn't. 

**3:24 PM December 25**

**Come over?**

Cas smiled at the message and replied immediately. Maybe Christmas wouldn't be so uninteresting after all. 

_3:25 PM December 25_

_Now?_

Dean's response was instantaneous.

**3:25 PM December 25**

**Yes. Drinks?**

_3:26 PM December 25_

_Yes, I'd like that._

**3:27 PM December 25**

**See you soon, babe.**

The last text was followed by an address. It was strange, seeing an address he didn't recognize. He didn't expect that Dean still lived at his parents' house, in that bedroom covered floor to ceiling in Led Zeppelin posters. But when he thought about Dean, he usually imagined him there. 

He looked down at what he was wearing and grimaced. He couldn't leave the house wearing the reindeer sweater his mom had put on the entire family. Not that he was trying to impress Dean. He changed quickly and tried to make his hair look less insane, and headed out the door, telling his parents he was meeting up with an old friend. 

He drove into the parking lot of Dean's apartment complex and immediately spotted the Impala. He pulled in next to it and headed over to the building. Arriving at Dean's door, he hesitated for a moment. Was something going to happen? Did he even want something to happen? He sucked in a breath and told himself to stop worrying.

He lifted his hand up to knock, but before he could make contact, the door swung open to reveal a grinning Dean. 

Castiel jumped slightly in surprise, but recovered quickly. "Hello Dean," Castiel said. "How was your Christmas?" 

"Fine," Dean said. "Better now that you're here, babe." He winked at Castiel, then grabbed him in by the hips to pull him in for a hug. Castiel let himself be pulled close to Dean and wrapped his own arms around Dean's neck. 

After a minute, they pulled apart and Dean was still smiling. He grabbed Castiel's hand and pulled him toward the couch. The coffee table was already set up with glasses, a bottle of whiskey, and a bottle of wine. 

"I wasn't sure what you drink, so I figured I'd let you pick," Dean said, suddenly sounding shy.

"Wine is good," Castiel said. Dean picked up a corkscrew and opened up the wine, pouring them both a glass. He handed one to Castiel and sat down next to him on the couch. Right next to him. Their legs were pressed together as Dean lifted up his glass and tapped it to Castiel's. 

"Cheers," Dean said. "To this weekend."

Castiel nodded and took a sip, followed by a deep breath. "Dean…" he began. "I didn't say what I said about pretending things were how they used to be to get into your pants. I really did just want to spend time with you without us… hurting each other."

"So you don't want to get into my pants?" Dean asked, voice somewhere between disappointment and teasing. Castiel couldn't really tell. 

"I didn't say that," he responded slowly. "I just meant that I didn't want you to think that's my endgame here."

Dean nodded, taking a sip from his wine. "I didn't invite you over for sex. I want to spend time with you without hurting each other too." He slid over a few inches, distancing himself from Castiel. He found himself missing the contact. "I can tell you about the fight I got into with my dad this morning, instead?"

Cas nodded. "Yes, that sounds like something we would do before."

Dean laughed before launching into his story, which launched off the evening of talking and drinking and acting like the used to. Before long, the bottle of wine was gone and they switched to the whiskey. At some point, Dean ordered a pizza and they turned on a movie.

The whole night felt perfect. It was so easy to feel fully relaxed around Dean, just like it had always been. His presence was always a comfort to Castiel and he was glad to see that hadn't changed. Castiel felt comfortable and happy. Safe, even. Maybe he and Dean really could manage an actual friendship when he left after the holidays. They shared a few innocent touches and flirtatious comments throughout the evening, but overall, Castiel thought they were keeping things platonic enough. 

The movie was about halfway over when Castiel glanced at the clock on the wall. It was already after eleven. He didn't know when that happened, just like he didn't notice that Dean's leg was pressed against his again.

"It's late," Cas said reluctantly. "I should… probably go." He turned to look at Dean, hoping the disappointment wasn't visible in his eyes.

"Or you could stay," Dean said, looking at Castiel through his eyelashes. "I mean, you probably shouldn't drive right now." He nodded down to the drink in Castiel's hand. "It's… the responsible thing to do." 

"Or I could stay…" Castiel responded. It was a bad idea, but Castiel pulled out his phone and sent a text to his family that he was staying out so they wouldn't worry anyway. When he looked back up, Dean's face was inches from his own. 

"I'm going to kiss you again," Dean said softly, bringing his lips impossibly close to Castiel's.

"Okay," Castiel breathed. And then Dean's lips were on his and it was nothing like the gentle kiss in his car yesterday. It was hot and urgent. Dean's hands were places they hadn't been in nine years, but they hadn't forgotten what they were doing. Castiel's hands were all over Dean, too. Under his shirt, in his hair, reaching down to the fly of his jeans. 

By the time Dean had his hand wrapped firmly around him, Castiel couldn't think straight. The only thing in his mind was Dean. Dean's chest pressed against him, Dean's hand working him, Dean's lust-filled eyes looking into his own, Dean's heavy breathing.

" _Dean_ ," Castiel managed to get out between gasps. "Bedroom. Now."

——

Dean woke up to the sun shining brightly through his windows. He tried to roll over, but found himself unable to move due to strong arms wrapped around his waist. A warm, bare chest was pressed to his back and someone was nuzzling into the crook of his neck.

Cas.

Cas stayed. Dean had been dreaming of waking up in Cas's arms since he left him alone in Lawrence. All these years, Cas was always there in the back of his mind. The one who got away.

And now here he was, naked in his bed. Judging by the brightness of the sun, they'd stayed asleep nearly half the day. Not that Dean was surprised given how late they had stayed up, neither of them able to get enough of each other. 

Cas began to stir behind Dean, showing the first sign of waking up. Dean snuggled farther back into his arms, pressing himself firmly to Cas's body. He'd missed this. To have it again now was overwhelming. If things were different, maybe he never would have had to give it up. Dean hadn't realized he was crying until the tears were streaming down his face. 

"Dean?" came a sleepy voice from behind him. "Good morning." A light kiss pressed to the side of his neck made Dean shiver. 

"Morning," Dean said, hoping that his voice wouldn't give away the fact that he was crying.

"What's wrong?" Cas asked, suddenly sounding fully awake with concern dripping in his voice. 

"I just— I just missed you." Dean struggled to get the words out. "I'm sorry. I know the point of this was to not bring up old feelings. But I… really missed you."

"I missed you too, Dean," Cas whispered. "Is that all it is?"

Dean sucked in a breath. "Uh, I just, I was thinking that maybe if you hadn't left me that we'd be doing this everyday."

Dean felt Cas's entire body stiffen. The hand that had been resting on Dean's hip fell to the bed. "Dean," Cas said slowly. "I left… but you didn't stop me." 

The words hit Dean hard enough that he stopped crying. "I— What?"

"You didn't stop me. You never asked me to stay."

"Of course I didn't stop you!" Dean was angry, and he could feel himself getting angrier as he went on. He flipped over to face Cas. "You wanted to go and I couldn't stop you!"

"I never said I wanted to go," Cas said, speaking calmly. But Dean still knew him. He could hear the edge to his voice. "You told me to go." 

"You didn't give me any other choice." Dean was glaring openly.

"You didn't exactly give me a choice either."

Dean was fuming at this point. "Cas, I think it's time for you to go."

"Yes. It is," Cas said, rolling out of bed. He walked out of the bedroom door. Dean could hear him pausing periodically as he presumably put on his clothes that were strewn about the apartment.

When Dean heard the front door of his apartment slam shut, he let himself curl in on himself and sob.


	4. there's an ache in you put there by the ache in me

Stupid. _Stupid._ How could he be so _stupid_?

Of course he and Dean couldn't pretend they'd never hurt each other. Dean never forgave him for leaving and he never forgave Dean for letting him leave. He never should have suggested this stupid arrangement. 

The rest of the day was spent with Castiel avoiding thinking about the night before and dodging questions from his parents about his mood. He was angry. He was sad. He was disappointed. And more than anything, he was still riding the stupid high from spending the night with Dean. Because it had been a good night. An amazing night. But then Dean started talking and Castiel couldn't just… listen to Dean talk about him leaving without standing up for himself. 

Because Castiel would have stayed. If Dean had asked him to, he wouldn't have gone to LA in the first place. And maybe that was stupid, because his education should be more important than teenage love, but Castiel was _so in love_ and he would have stayed anyway. But Dean told him to go and he was too young and stupid to tell him he wanted to stay. To hear how Dean thought of him, to hear that Dean _still_ thought that Castiel wanted to leave him, broke his heart all over again. 

Castiel's life was fine. He didn't love LA, but he liked his job well enough and he lived near his brother. But it wasn't a good life. His friends were nothing special. Castiel got the feeling they would all drop him in a second if they had the smallest reason to. He hadn't been in an actual relationship in years because people in LA weren't looking for relationships. If he had stayed in Lawrence all those years ago… maybe he would actually be happy, not just… fine. But he didn't stay. And maybe he regretted leaving, but it was the right thing to do at the time. Things were different now, though. Maybe he didn't need to stay in LA, but he couldn't just uproot his life. He needed time to figure things out, figure out what he wanted.

He wanted Dean back. Not just for the weekend, but for good. That felt impossible though. He could settle for friends. He could settle for staying in touch with Dean. 

Castiel didn't know for sure, but if Dean today was anything like the Dean he knew, then apologizing tonight would be a bad idea. Dean didn't get over his anger quickly. He needed time to process his feelings before he could talk about them or even entertain the possibility of an apology. So Castiel would wait for Dean to reach out first. 

But after one too many drinks his hands made a different decision and he sent off a text message before he fell into a fitful sleep.

_11:58 PM December 26_

_Goodnight, Dean._

——

"Sammy, I am telling you, he blames _me_ for him leaving." Dean was drunk and almost shouting into the phone.

"Dean, I heard you the first time. You need to calm down." His brother sighed loudly on the other end of the line. 

Dean sat down on the edge of the couch and pressed his face into his free hand. "This whole thing was so fucking stupid. I spent years getting over him and he comes back and all of a sudden I'm a stupid kid again."

"That's because you never got over him," Sam said calmly. 

Dean's eyes widen. "What? Of course I got over him." He hadn't meant for it to sound so defensive.

"You didn't, Dean. You haven't had a real relationship since you two broke up. You don't even go on dates, you just have one night stands."

"That doesn't mean I'm not over him," Dean snapped, but his voice wavered at the end. 

"Listen to yourself. You know I'm right."

Dean was about to respond when his phone buzzed against his ear. "Hold on a sec, I have a text…" 

"Sure, whatever man," Sam said as Dean pulled the phone away from his ear. 

It was from Cas. 

"Cas texted me," Dean said, not really understanding the words as he spoke them. 

"To tell you you're a damn idiot, I hope." He could just hear the eye roll that must be happening on the other end.

"No… he said goodnight." His voice broke on the last word. "I need to go, Sammy." 

"Call me if you need m—" Dean hung up before Sam could finish the thought. 

He was still mad at Cas. For this morning, and for nine years ago. But his heart felt like it would jump out of his chest reading those words.

He knew, though, if he texted Cas back that he would invite him over and Cas would come and last night would happen all over again and… Dean didn't want that. He just knew it would end in another fight. He needed to figure out what he wanted. He needed to figure out if there was a way to keep Cas in his life without falling apart. He needed to figure out if they could forgive each other.

He fell asleep staring at the short message on his phone, trying to imagine Cas pressed up against his back again.

——

Dean woke up in the morning as cold and alone as he felt all night. He tossed and turned thinking about Cas. He wasn't even sure if he actually fell asleep. He should apologize. He knew he needed to apologize, and not just for kicking him out of bed. Because maybe Cas really didn't understand why Dean told him to go nine years ago. Maybe Cas genuinely thought that Dean didn't want him anymore. 

He checked his phone and groaned. It was already almost noon. He got up, showered to calm himself down, and cleaned up the mess he made in his apartment during his sulking. All necessary things, he told himself. Things that can't wait. But he knew that he was really just putting off apologizing to Cas.

He was sure Cas would forgive him, at least for the fight the day before, if only because of that "Goodnight, Dean" text. He wouldn't have sent that if he wasn't feeling forgiving, right? The lack of response from Dean may have made him angry again though, but even then, Dean couldn't bring himself to respond yet. Dean was vibrating out of his skin with anxiety, using the nervous energy to clean every inch of his apartment before he could avoid it any longer.

He checked his phone for the time. Already after four. He groaned. He needed to go see Cas now, before he could talk himself out of it. He pulled on his shoes and jacket, grabbed his keys, reached for the door… and stopped. Could he really do this? Frozen in place, he went through the possibilities of how this could play out. 

One: Cas accepts his apology and he wants to be together. Dean didn't let himself dwell on that possibility long because it was a long shot, even if it was what he was hoping for.

Two: Cas accepts the apology and they resolve to be friends. He could be okay with this. Having Cas back in his life for a couple of days felt wonderful, and they were best friends long before they ever dated. Maybe they could pull it off. 

And three: Cas doesn't want to hear the apology and they go right back to hating each other. When he let himself consider that in depth, he pulled his hand away from the doorknob and paced instead. Cas put out an olive branch last night with the text, and Dean never responded. Cas probably didn't want to see him. But he had to try, he had to know for sure. 

A deep breath and he pulled open the door, bursting out into the hall only to walk headfirst into Cas. 


	5. hear me out

They both stumbled back, looking at the other with shock in their eyes. 

"I was, uh," Cas stammered. "I was coming to talk to you. I swear I just got here, I was about to knock. I wasn't just… waiting. But clearly you have somewhere to be otherwise you wouldn't be… on your way out the door. I'm sorry I'll just—" 

Dean cut off his rambling. "I was coming to see you."

"You… what?" Cas tilted his head.

"I wanted to apologize. I still do."

"That's why I'm here too." Cas gave him a shy smile. 

"Come in. We can talk?" Dean asked hopefully. A nod from Cas. Dean led him to the couch, pushing out all the thoughts of what they did on it last time Cas was here. "I'm sorry for what I said. I'm sorry for bringing up you leaving." 

Cas placed his hand on Dean's shoulder, an action that shouldn't have felt as comforting as it did. "No," he said with a slow shake of the head. "I overreacted. You had every right to be upset. You have every right to be upset."

"But you didn't want to talk about the past, and I'm the one who fucked that up."

"No, Dean. I was being stupid to think that you and I could spend time together without the pain and feelings coming back. I don't know about you, but it took me a long time to get over our breakup. I don't know if I ever really did. And it was selfish of me to ask you to not bring it up. I only did it because I didn't want to know if the same was true for you."

"It took me a long time too," Dean said, not making eye contact. "I thought I moved on, but seeing you in that bar… I haven't really moved on. I still regret telling you to leave."

"If you could go back, would you tell me to stay?" Cas asked, clearly curious.

Dean paused and sighed. "No," Dean said, met with a surprised look from Cas. "I might have done it differently… but I still would have told you to go." 

"You… wanted me to go." It was a statement, but the undercurrent of a question was there.

"Cas… I loved you so much." _I still love you,_ he thought. "First love and all that. For a long time I told myself that I wanted you to go because you wanted to go. And if you wanted to go, you must not have loved me as much as I loved you. But that wasn't the real reason. You got into an amazing school and when you said you got in… you were clearly nervous about telling me, but I could see it in your eyes. You were proud of yourself. You wanted to go. And you were looking for a reason to stay." Dean paused to let himself take a breath. "Leaving was what was best for you. I couldn't be the reason you stayed. I couldn't be the one to hold you back. You had to go and you wouldn't have gone if I asked you to stay."

Cas was looking at him, awe-filled eyes, but silent. Dean turned his attention to a hangnail, unable to take the intensity of Cas's gaze. After what felt like an eternity, Cas finally spoke. "You did it… for me," he said in a whisper.

"Of course I did it for you. I didn't want you to go, Cas. Part of me hoped that when I told you to go you would stay just for me, just because I didn't ask you to do it. But I knew you had to go."

"I thought you were mad at me. For applying."

"I was never angry. Hurt, yeah, but not angry."

"Oh," was all Cas said in response. They sat there in silence for what felt like at least ten minutes before Cas finally said something else. "Thank you."

"Thank you?" Dean asked, half to confirm he heard him right, half because he didn't understand.

"You put me first. Instead of what you wanted, you gave me what I needed. Thank you." Cas put his finger under Dean's chin to tilt his head back up. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner. About applying. It wasn't fair to spring that on you all at once, without giving you a chance to process. I would do that differently now. I would have told you sooner. But like you, I wouldn't change what I did. I needed to be there. But I'm so sorry for hurting you."

Dean nodded, eyes now intent on Cas. "I understand. And…," he trailed off and took a deep breath before continuing. "I forgive you. Of course, I forgive you." 

Cas smiled at him, Dean's favorite smile that stretches wide across his face and makes his eyes crinkle. "Friends?" Cas asked. 

Something twisted in Dean's stomach, not sure if he can manage being friends with Cas. But instead of protesting, he nodded and pulled Cas into a hug. 

It was a friendly hug in many ways. Their hands were nowhere near anywhere you could consider sexy. There wasn't a hand on a lower back, no arms wrapped tightly around a neck, no face nuzzled against a shoulder. But the intensity of the hug was not friendly. Cas's chest was firmly pressed against Dean. They stayed like that, clinging together, until eventually, Cas broke the hug. 

"Movie?" Cas asked. Dean replied with a chuckle and grabbed the remote. 

They had a nice evening together, staying in the friend territory. They watched movies and ate takeout. They talked more openly about what their lives were like these days, but they mostly stuck to surface details like hobbies and work. They avoided talking about their love lives or feelings. Dean insisted they drink hot chocolate in lieu of alcohol, keeping to himself that the reason was so he wouldn't accidentally touch Cas in a non-friendly way when his brain got foggy. Maybe they were sitting a little too close together on the couch, but nothing was touching. Dean was still aware of every tiny movement Cas made though.

They were halfway through another movie when Cas's head fell to Dean's shoulder. Dean's eyes nearly popped out of his head in surprise. He was about to open his mouth and say something when he looked down at Cas. Cas, who was clearly asleep with his mouth hanging open and his eyes gently closed. 

He looked beautiful. 

Dean knew he couldn't just sit there and look at beautiful, sleeping Cas without every feeling he had been pushing down all night coming back. He sighed and gently nudged Cas's head with his shoulder, hoping it wouldn't startle him too much. Cas woke almost immediately. 

"Hey there, Sleeping Beauty. I'm assuming you don't have it in you to drive home?"

"Oh, uh… I can probably… actually no, not really." 

"You can sleep here. Let's get you to bed," Dean said softly.

"I don't mind taking the couch," Cas replied, slight panic evident in his eyes. 

"Cas, I am saying this because I'm your friend. You will absolutely feel like shit in the morning if you sleep on this couch." Cas didn't look convinced. Dean let out a sigh. "Look, I promise I can keep my hands to myself. Opposite sides of the bed. You won't even know I'm there." Cas still looked skeptical, but gave Dean a quick nod before standing and heading in the direction of the bedroom. 

——

  
When Castiel woke up, he was not on the opposite side of the bed from Dean. Not even close. Castiel woke spooning Dean, head nestled in the crook of Dean's shoulder, with their hands clasped together. So much for platonic.   
Castiel sighed. He gently untangled his hand from Dean's to grab his phone and check the time. Another sigh when he realized he needed to be at the airport soon. He still had to go home, have breakfast with his family, finish packing, and actually get to the airport. He really needed to leave now. 

He glanced down at Dean's face, peaceful in sleep. He was beautiful, he was always beautiful. Seeing him asleep like this, he almost looked like Dean at 18. His face was calm and relaxed, making the new signs of age less prominent. Cas didn't want to leave. 

But it was time to go back to LA and the life he wasn't really sure he wanted anymore. The life in LA that was honestly turning into a mess.

Castiel very slowly pulled his body away from Dean's. Dean stirred a little, but never woke. Maybe Castiel should have woken him, but he wasn't sure if he'd actually be able to go if he did that. He had to do it while Dean was still asleep. If he woke Dean, he knew he would want more. Castiel couldn't just ask Dean to wait for him to get his life together so they could be together. And he knew Dean wouldn't ask him to stay, not after what he said about letting Castiel leave in the first place. He wanted more, but more was impossible for them.

So Castiel got up, leaving the warmest bed he'd ever known… and left Dean. Again. 

——

Dean woke up a few times in the middle of the night feeling Cas's arms around him. He wasn't sure when they ended up like that, or who initiated it, but every time he woke he snuggled in a little closer.

Which is why when he woke in the morning he immediately noticed that Cas wasn't there.

And Cas wasn't just not there, his side of the bed was cold. He had been gone for a while. 

Dean knew Cas was flying home today which meant… Cas left him. The tears sprung out of his eyes before he could even process what was happening. He had been so stupid to think that things could ever work out for him and Cas the way he wanted them to. Of course they were never going to be together again. Maybe they weren't even going to be friends.

Dean got out of bed and slowly went through his morning routine. He had been up two hours before he realized he hadn't even looked at his phone. 

Heading back to the bedroom, he unplugged the phone and opened the two notifications that caught his eye. Two texts from Cas.

_8:34 AM December 28_

_Good morning, Dean. Didn't want to wake you since we stayed up so late, but my flight is soon so I had to leave._

_8:38 AM December 28_

_I had a really great time last night. I'm glad you're back in my life._

Dean's mood shifted from upset to confused. Back in his life? What did Cas mean by that? He couldn't have meant it the way that Dean wanted him to mean it, but what if he did? Dean typed out a reply, and then retyped it, and then tried a third time before finally sending it off.

**11:58 AM December 28**

**I really missed you, Cas. I'm glad to be back in your life, however you'll have me.**

Dean nearly chucked his phone at the wall after hitting send. He hoped that Cas got the point and gave Dean an indication of what he wanted from this. If he just wanted to be friends… Dean would try. He wasn't sure if he could do it, but he'd try. He'd do anything for Cas.

He tried to keep busy the rest of the day, anything to make sure he didn't spend every single second waiting for a reply from Cas. He shouldn't expect one. The guy was traveling and Dean didn't actually know when his flight was, so Cas easily could be unable to respond entirely.  
Sam and Eileen got back to town in the afternoon, so Dean invited them for dinner. It was nice to have a distraction and to hear how Sammy's first Christmas with the future in-laws went. Dean changed the subject every time Sam brought up Cas. He didn't miss the pitying looks Sam and Eileen exchanged at every deflection. Sam and Eileen had gone home and Dean was finishing cleaning up the kitchen by the time his phone finally buzzed with a text. 

_10:49 PM December 28_

_I want you in my life in every way you'll have me._

Dean's heart stopped. His mouth went dry. Did Cas still want him? Actually still want him?

**10:51 PM December 28**

**Do you mean that?**

_10:52 PM December 28_

_I don't say things I don't mean. You know that._

Dean couldn't breathe. Cas forgave him, Cas still wanted him, and Cas was… still in LA.

_10:55 PM December 28_

_I wouldn't have left this morning if I didn't have to._

**10:56 PM December 28**

**I know.**

And suddenly, Dean felt like that heartbroken 18 year old, sitting in a coffeeshop watching the love of his life leave him, all over again. Because even if they wanted this, Cas wasn't here. 


	6. it always leads to you and my hometown

Castiel was back in LA, going through the motions of his life and trying not to be too upset that things with Dean probably wouldn't work out. The texts Dean had sent the day Castiel went back to LA made him think that the interest was there. But in the two weeks since then… there hadn't been much. They had exchanged a few texts, but it was all pleasantries and no flirting.

After the start of the new year, his routine was set. Get up, go to work, come home, think about Dean. It was hard, leaving Dean again. Harder than it was the first time. Because the first time Castiel was excited about was waiting for him back in LA. Now? He knew what was in LA and he didn't like it. He was hemorrhaging money paying for his tiny apartment. He wasn't happy with his social life. He was single. The city itself made him feel depressed. Everyone in LA moved too fast to actually care about anything, and Castiel didn't fit in anymore. It had been years since he really felt like he belonged there.

There was nothing holding him here. He could just… leave.

As soon as the idea came into his head, he couldn't let go of it. He could leave LA. He could quit his job and just go. And it occurred to him that he could go back to Lawrence. The thought of being back in his hometown was immensely comforting. To be somewhere familiar, to be near his family… it would be a fresh start without the fear of being somewhere completely new. And maybe if he went back to Lawrence, he and Dean could get back together, or at least be real friends again.

But Dean or no Dean, now that he had it in his mind that he wanted to leave, it was all he could think about.So the next few hours saw Castiel sitting on his couch with his laptop, switching back and forth between apartment listings and job postings in Lawrence, Kansas. This felt like a good idea. It felt like the right thing to be doing. Impulsive, maybe, but maybe it was time Castiel embraced being impulsive. He was really going to do this.

Castiel was reading through a particularly promising job posting when someone knocked on his apartment door. He looked at his watch, head tilting slightly when he saw it was after 9:00 pm. He got up and walked to the door, mentally preparing to tell whoever was there off for bothering him this late. 

But when he opened the door his mind went blank and his mouth went dry. Because standing in the hallway was none other than Dean Winchester. 

"Listen, I know there's a good chance you don't want to see me, or talk to me, or whatever, but I really need to say something," Dean let out in a rush.

Castiel stood there, unmoving, eyes still wide in surprise. 

"Uh, can I… can I come in? I can give you my speech from out here, but…," Dean trailed off, squirming and looking uncomfortable. 

Castiel didn't move. 

"Yeah, that's fine. I can, uh, do this here," Dean said, rubbing the back of his neck. "Cas. Castiel. You were my first love. I missed you every single day that you were gone." He looked up to meet Castiel's wide eyes. "Every single day. And then you were back and I didn't need to miss you anymore, but I still did." He paused for a moment.

"You can, um," Castiel stammered, "you can come in."

Dean looked surprised, but followed Castiel into the apartment and onto the couch. Dean reached out to hold one of Castiel's hands on the space between them. Dean's gaze was resting downward toward their hands. "I can't lose you again, Cas. I can't let you walk away again without knowing that I really do want this. If you just want to be friends, that's fine. But I want more than that." 

Castiel's breath caught in his throat.

"I have loved you for so many years, Cas. I never stopped. I still love you. I love you so much," Dean said, voice shaking slightly as he continued on. He raised his head to look Castiel in the eye. "I don't know what to do to make this work, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes. If you want me, I'll do anything to make this work." Tears were welling up in Dean's eyes now as he looked back down to their clasped hands. It was then that Castiel noticed the tears prickling in his own eyes. 

Castiel looked intently at Dean for a moment before speaking. "I'm… coming back. I'm moving back to Lawrence."

Dean's head snapped up in surprise. "You're coming back," Dean repeated. "Because of me?" he asked, suddenly sounding nervous. "I don't want you to give anything up for me."

"It's because of you… and because of me," Castiel said quietly. "I don't like it here. I need a change. Maybe you inspired me to figure that out, but… I want to do this for me."

"So you're coming back."

Castiel nodded. "I'm coming back." He smiled gently. "And you love me."

"And I love you," Dean agreed quietly, nodding in return. 

"And you want us to be together," Castiel said, a hint of a question hanging in the air.

"Only if that's what you want." Dean sounded nervous.

"Well, luckily," Cas said, smiling slightly, "that is exactly what I want." He lifted their hands to his mouth and pressed a kiss to Dean's knuckle. "I love you too." 

Dean's face nearly split open with the wide grin that appeared on his face at the words. "You love me too." 

——

Dean woke up happier than he had in years. He was warm and calm. Safe.

"Morning," mumbled a sleepy voice from behind him. 

Dean smiled brightly and rolled over. "Good morning," he said, closing the distance between them to kiss Cas lazily.

"How did you sleep?" Cas asked, smiling at Dean.

"Pretty great. My boyfriend is an excellent big spoon." He wrapped his arms around Cas's waist to pull him closer. Cas chuckled and leaned in to give Dean a quick kiss. When he pulled away, Dean chased after to kiss him more deeply. Cas giggled, but indulged him anyway.

Eventually, they parted. "When is your flight home?" Cas asked, sounding sad. 

Dean frowned. "In about four hours."

"So soon?" Cas replied, brow furrowed.

"Yeah…" Dean said, eyes looking anywhere but at Cas. "I didn't want to stick around too long in case this didn't go well. You know, if you kicked me out or something. Or if you weren't home, I guess."

"Oh," Cas said. "That's too bad." He placed his hand on Dean's cheek, moving his face until they were looking at each other. "I would've liked more time with you today, but I think we'll have plenty of time together to look forward to."

——

Cas was unpacking a box into his kitchen while Dean watched from the couch. Dean had tried to help, but Cas assured him that carrying boxes and furniture was plenty of help and that he should just relax and keep him company while he unpacked. The real reason Cas didn't want his help was that it was too distracting to him when Dean grabbed his ass every five minutes, but he kept that part to himself.

It was two months ago that Dean showed up on Cas's doorstep and they decided to give things another shot. Cas loved every second of getting to know Dean all over again. The same goofy, loving Dean that Cas fell in love with all those years ago was still there, but with nine years of life experience making him a responsible, caring adult that Cas loved. Dean had been a calming presence in Cas's life these last two months, helping to keep him from losing his mind as he planned his move to Lawrence. He was exactly what Cas needed. Being in a relationship with Dean was simple, and things were about to get way easier for them because instead of being 1500 miles apart, Dean would be under 15 minutes away. Things were going to keep getting better.

Cas turned toward the couch, only to see Dean looking intently at him. "What are you staring at?" Cas asked from across the room.

"Just admiring my boyfriend," Dean said with a smile. "I'm not sure if he knows it, but he's pretty damn hot."

Cas blushed, most likely Dean's intended effect. "I'm basically done here, and I'm going to take a break," Cas said as he put the last coffee mug in the cabinet. It would need some more organization, but an empty box was an empty box. 

Dean stretched his arms out to Cas, beckoning him over. Cas grinned and crossed the room, settling into the couch and Dean's arms. Dean pressed his face to the top of Cas's hair.

"You're here," Dean said, muffled against Cas's hair.

"I am. Very astute," Cas teased. 

"I'm just still not convinced I'm not dreaming." 

Cas pulled away slightly to lean up and press a kiss to Dean's lips. Gentle at first, then pressing harder. They pulled apart breathless a few minutes later.

"Still think you're dreaming?" Cas asked, now smirking.

"We do plenty of that in my dreams, babe, so you gotta try a little harder to convince me." Dean winked at him. 

"Hmm, I think I can manage that. Later, though." Cas kissed him gently.

Dean chuckled. "I love you," he said. "More than I did before."

"I love you too," Cas whispered. He wrapped his arms around Dean, pulling him into a hug. "Thank you for giving me another chance."

"You can have as many chances as you want. I'm so glad you came back," Dean mumbled against Cas's shoulder.

"I am too." Cas smiled, lifting Dean's face up by the chin to face him. "Not surprised though. I think my life was always going to lead me back to you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you made it this far, thank you for reading! :) I had a lot of fun writing this. I'm on tumblr as big-wet-cas-eyes if you want to show this fic some love over there. My post about it can be found [here](https://big-wet-cas-eyes.tumblr.com/post/637976983798693888/tis-the-damn-season). 


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